How many authentic, ‘in the trenches’ friends do you feel you have? Most people reveal that they have less than five, and many said two or three. Does this compare with your situation? Also, it was commonly agreed that real friends make life more momentous, and when times are harsh, these friends may be the difference between surviving reasonably psychologically unscathed or going down the gurgler! Therefore, it is crucial to cultivate these friendships since they can be crucial to one’s enduring joy and happiness. So what constitutes a excellent friend compared to a good friend or an colleague? Most people concur on several characteristics of a high-quality friend: 1. You are able to trust each other which means that you have no secrets and you fulfill your promise, you are always straightforward. 2. You can rely on each other for backing when you are in some manner of difficulty but this might not necessarily embrace every form of assistance – e.g. financial 3. You may not see each other regularly but when you do catch up it is just like the preceding time you met 4. Good friends appear to perceive when you are bothered or not feeling well, and will take the initiative to ask if there is a crisis, and will continue asking until they are satisfied you are okay. Now we approach to the ‘crunch’ – what elevates a friend from being a good one to being a great one? The answer is one noteworthy and critical characteristic. It's called “TOUGH LOVE”. This means loving enough to bestow feedback that may instigate grief in the short term but will be constructive in the long term. Tough love is being prepared to speak what a person NEEDS to hear rather than what they DESIRE to hear! This can mean advising a friend to alter a behaviour, approach, conviction or value that is harming them or making them unhappy. This characteristic is also called compassion. This doesn't mean gentleness or warm fuzzy feelings. Compassion can be hard, virtually brutal when necessary. It comes from love, but can be offensive, astonishing you out of complacency when all other methods have failed. Why is tough love so essential? Because it puts others needs ahead of selfishness. Instead of trying not to upset because we fear losing their friendship, we speak what they need to hear for their own good rather than staying silent. The concern of losing friends repeatedly stops us doing the moral thing as we are behaving in self interest. The Correct Way to Provide Caring Advice It's crucial to follow specific ground rules when providing this kind of gutsy feedback so your friend doesn't feel judged. Great friends appear to grasp this instinctively: Start by saying something similar to ‘John, I have something valuable to say that may assist you. Are you interested to hear it? It is coming from my concern for you as a very cherished friend and I know if I were you I would want to know. If I have my information wrong I'll apologise right away. But please pay attention to what I have to say before responding. OK?’ If they are open to the feedback, then away you go. But be careful and follow this method in your response: 1. State the specific issues that you think are causing problems 2. Note the destructive outcome on the friend’s life 3. Make recommendations to your friend on how the matter may be solved. For instance John, for a long time now, you have informed me you dislike your employment. You criticize your boss, or your tiresome work, but you don’t take accountability for making that choice or doing something about it. This is making you miserable, even depressed, and I can't bear seeing you so miserable. You have several talents and passions and successful work experiences that might open other doors for you and make you a happier, more productive person. You could create your own business, or find improved employment by promoting yourself directly to a short list of chosen employers. I'll do everything I can to aid by referring you to people I know, or helping you create your own business! Would you feel comfortable providing this kind of advice to a friend? Would your friends give you this kind of feedback? If so, you know these friends can make your life much more satisfying.
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How many true friends do you actually have? Are your friends building you up? Or are they pulling you down? How to identify truly worthwhile relationships
Gary Hipworth is a life planning consultant who believes that all people are capable of being their own life coach. For this purpose he created Superlife Life Planning Software to help you discover How to change your life
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