Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part. Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn’t make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up. Divorce is always sad. That is why even the law gives time for the couple to think it over. But, if you have read any of my other articles, you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward - to see how you can make the best of a bad situation. No one WANTS to get divorced. But if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen, then lets at least limit the fallout as much as we can. Here are some tips on how to reduce the impact of divorce on the kids: 1. Children love both parents. Ideally, you should stick to the marriage for the sake of children, but if it is making everyone unhappy, then it’s best to put an end to it. It’s important to remember you have a responsibility towards your children to provide a loving and caring home with both parents. But, if your relationship is getting sour, for whatever reason, be honest about it. Deluding yourself or sweeping it under the carpet won’t help. Face it and if you feel the need, ask for help - first for yourself, and then jointly as a couple. Make one more attempt to re-kindle the love you once had. Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to "stay together for the children". Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out. 2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure. 3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned. 4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable. 5. Another very important aspect is to encourage your children to keep in touch with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. Encourage visits, phone calls and letters. Let your child get the love and attention of both parents despite your feelings. 6. Do NOT use your children as a messenger between two immature adults who cannot even find a way to talk civilly to each other. 7. In extreme cases you might have to take drastic steps to protect your children if the other parent is harmful or abusive to them. But make sure this perception is not coming from your own pain, guilt or jealousy. 8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotinoally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house. 9. Be sensitive about introducing new boyfriends/ girlfriends into the home. Children will harbor, for a long time, a fantasy that their parents will get back together. Bringing a new lover into the home dashes those hopes and will often result in an angry backlash from them. Understand where they are coming from and take it all slowly. 10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships. You can protect your children from the fallout of your divorce if you handle it in a mature manner. Be calm, sensible and adult about all the issues that concern your children. All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.
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Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part.
Dr. Noel Swanson writes frequently for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems. Feel free to grab a unique version of this article from the parenting Articles Submission Service
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