Consistency is the catchword in parenting. It is the only word that is consistently used for defining your conduct in speech and expression and in action in relation to you and your child plus you and your spouse. Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your children to manipulate you and play one parent off another. But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent has no interest in improving his/her parenting style? See, if these suggestions will help: First of all, make a plan in advance about how you would like to deal with particular situations. This will help you crystallize your own thoughts and put things in perspective. The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by doing what you have already planned. Without a plan, you will act out of habit, which is often a lot of yelling and threatening. With a plan, you will probably react differently. Set your priorities right. Be firm on the matters you consider important and relent on the unimportant issues. Remember, your child is not a replica of you. Allow some space to your child to grow into an individual in his own right as long as he doesn’t overstep the basic norms of good behavior. For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don't tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next. Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can’t expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away. But what if you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it? If it is very difficult, it sure speaks a lot about your relationship as a couple. You need to look at it again. See, if you can discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are you using them as pawns in your ego games. I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything – but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children. If you don’t do that, your children will play one parent against the other to get what they are looking for. So, once again, the key to consistency between parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a parenting book together and then discuss it. But if you simply cannot agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations, what then? All you can do is be true to yourself, and let your partner be true too. The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for. There are ways to overcome this situation if you do some introspection and try to understand the other’s point of view. Rather than let the children acquire wrong attitudes, it is better to put yourself in the other’s shoes. And, as they say, if it hurts, it must be hurting the other too. So, start by working on yourself, and you will see how fast the other changes too. Make amends before the situation gets out of control and the time comes when one parent completely destroys the authority or credibility of the other parent. This is a distress signal for you to take note of and do something about your relationship. If you don't, your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually lose all respect for yourself too. The secret is to look at yourself more critically than you look at others. Often, it is your habit that rules your behavior not reason. The golden rule is to change yourself first rather than wait for the other to change first.
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Consistency is the catchword in parenting. It is the only word that is consistently used for defining your conduct in speech and expression and in action in relation to you and your child plus you and your spouse.
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