Are you engaging in sexual activities that has gotten unmanageable? Or are you being told that you do? As a Certified Sex Therapist in Orange County, California, I am contacted by a lot of people who feel if they, or their partners, have crossed the boundary and have become "addicted." A lot of people say they enjoy sex and it regularly occupies their mind. They often desire more, and are depressed or fretful when they have to do without for extended time intervals. If the subject were drugs, alcohol or betting we would be concerned about their manic fascination, but sex is a natural, healthy biological process - so we celebrate their sexuality. But what about when a limit is exceeded, when your interest in sex begins to create problems for normal routine activities? What happens when you see that you've used up the last 4 hours looking at pornography online, or video chatting with others in an effort to have a sexual experience? How about when you realize you no longer have money for the rent or you've spent all your credit facility out your credit cards due to the prostitutes or motel rooms you've paid for? Or when failed to get to another class or business meeting due to more trading of email and pictures with an anonymous sexual contact? How about when you lose your job because by violating internet policies or poor punctuality in office? Or when the most significant person in your life leaves you because you've broken too many promises to change your attitude? Whether or not this behavior meets the criteria for an "addiction" an "obsession," or even unsafe or unlawful - it certainly is behavior that is ruining your life and you should look for help understanding how you ended up here, and more significantly, what measures you need to take to put an end, or control these habits. You may have made numerous attempts to make changes, but remain unsuccessful and fall back into the same old routine. Unsure that your sexual activity is having an impact on your life in a harmful manner? Listed below are some areas to consider. Be very frank with yourself here...it's your future and happiness at stake here: Work: fired from jobs, embarrassment by co-workers; opportunities; fewer awards, general distraction and lost output. Is it having any impact on your being where you want to be - career wise? Money: high cell phone charges; not able to purchase things you want/need because money is going towards sexual activities; no savings or retirement funds; creditors calling. Money being spent on websites, prostitutes/escorts, massage parlors, gifts/trips/hotels for sexual partners other than your spouse? Relationships: spouse has left you, less or no contact with your children; have less time to keep up with contacts that used to be important to you; tense communications; disappointed parents; you've begun becoming lonely. Health: less sleep than required to perform at your highest level; diseases transmitted due to sex; poor eating routine; lack of exercise; persistent dread of being discovered causing unease and depression, overweight and worried, constant sweating. Time: excessive hours on-line; driving and searching for activity; waiting, waiting, waiting for that connection or that view through a window; little or no time to spend with your family; ultimately, lost years of your life. Other: lost standing; anger at yourself and others; feeling vulnerable and dejected; in general loss of self-worth that has a bearing on your entire life. In general, do you feel great shame and remorse when you've once again crossed the limit, after pledging to yourself that you would lessen or stop your harmful sexual activities? Too much time, too much money, cheating with your significant other, unsatisfying results... Changing this behavior requires an admission that there is a problem, the awareness that your many attempts to fix it by yourself have had no results, and a willingness to ask for help, and to take some help from someone with the skills and knowledge in this complex and many layered condition. In my practice, I usually find it most effective to start at the cognitive-behavioral level and start by taking a complete review and understanding what the main issues. Just as someone with an eating disorder cannot be expected to be barred from consuming food, I don't expect anyone to keep away from all sexual activity, although this may be needed on some level in the initial phase of restructuring your mental processes, behaviors, and learning new ways to express yourself sexually - or when the activity is doing immediate injury to your relationships, or physical or financial self. It is a good idea, when appropriate, to include the partner's involvement during this stage, but we generally move towards concentrating on the impaired member, and often get the other partner in the therapy later in the process. Of course, work independently with the non-offending partner can also be important to help them appreciate, sort out and heal their anger, heartache, anxiety and/or sadness. After the individual or couple has gone through the initial crisis, I start to investigate the fundamental roots of this damaging behavior - research has established that this sexual acting out is rooted in the belief system due to much deeper dynamics, whether it be a way to deal with extreme stress, events in childhood, or excessive expectations that we, or others, place on ourselves. Just like other addictions, sexual addiction knows no socio-economic-racial-cultural boundaries. There are people from different economic, cultural, racial and orientation facing these issues. One should not be worried if you think your specific sexual interest is distinctive from others, or that your therapist won't comprehend. I, and other qualified experts who are licensed psychotherapists with the additional designation of being Board Certified Sex Therapists, have extensive and specialized training in all varieties of sexual issues and dysfunctions. In fact, most people benefit from knowing that they are not alone- that there are numerous other people taking part the same activities as themselves. Your secrecy is lawfully assured with any licensed psychotherapist under the guidelines of the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. It is an absolutely great experience to discuss your issues frankly and candidly in a non-judgmental and understanding therapeutic environment. It is very possible that you can amend yourself, you just have to make a decision that you're tired of living in an unhealthy, unproductive way and make the choice to commit to change. Make no mistake - asking for help and being open to doing the necessary work will help you get back to the life you wish for, the life that you ought to enjoy.
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Are you engaging in sexual activities that has gotten unmanageable? Unsure that your sexual activity is having an impact on your life in a harmful manner? Money being spent on websites, prostitutes/escorts, massage parlors, gifts/trips/hotels for sexual partners other than your spouse?
Michael Smith, M.A., MFT, CST is an Addiction Specialist, Certified Sex Therapist and Marriage & Family Counselor.
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